With Christmas just four weeks away, our mailbox will soon begin to spew forth Christmas cards. We're working on ours and I know you're working on yours. Therefore I think it's time we talk about the dreaded Christmas letter. We all know the type: One family's spin on just how perfect their house, kids, jobs, etc. are. Let's be honest. No one talks about the bad things in those letters and, on that rare occasion that someone does, it's usually inappropriate and possibly even painful.
Humor. That's what we want, people. Humor.
So, here is the Jenworld version of what the perfect Christmas letter SHOULD say:
Dear Family, Friends, and Probation Officers (Hey! They're like family to us!!!) -- Can you believe it? Christmas is almost here and 2008 is just around the corner. Where did the time go?
Court. That's where the time went. It seems that we spent a hell of a lot of time in court this year, what with Biff Jr.'s trial for those pesky drug charges we couldn't buy his way out of. And don't think Biff Sr. didn't try his damnedest to bribe some of his friends at the country club. Ha ha ha! Just kidding, of course.
But we didn't all spend all of our time trying to thwart the legal system. Mimsy also spent lots of wonderful mother/daughter bonding time with Molly while she recovered from that nasty staph infection she got after she got pierced in places we just won't mention in a family newsletter. But all that time in the hospital gave Molly a chance to think on the past and look toward the future. She is resolved that in 2008 she will go back and finish high school, which we are just so darn proud about. While we're not certain that Molly's past actions will allow her to be readmitted to the cheerleading squad, we're certain that our darling daughter will find her niche somewhere at Snotwad Country Day School.
Biff Sr. and Mimsy did manage a lovely getaway for our 20th wedding anniversary -- a romantic weekend in Las Vegas!!! That's right. We checked ourselves into the Bellagio and, while Mimsy worked on her tan by the pool, Biff Sr. decided to check out the blackjack tables. He was certain he had a system to beat the house and he was ready to give it a trial run. Unfortunately, Biff Sr. managed to lose all of our savings and max out our credit cards in a marathon 12-hour blackjack session. But that's okay, because we all learned a valuable lesson. And isn't that the most important thing?
When not bailing our son out of jail and helping our daughter recover from her inappropriate piercings, Mimsy did her best to make a difference in our community. Through her volunteer work, Mimsy was able to improve the lives of those less fortunate students at Snotwad C.D.S. That's right, Mimsy led the drive to raise funds so that ALL students could have an iPhone this year. Can you imagine a cold cruel world without an iPhone? Neither can we, which is why Mimsy worked so damn hard. Her reward was to be named Chair of next year's Peony Festival, narrowly beating out Bitsy Buckingham for the job. Suck it Bitsy! You can be Mimsy's Vice Chair.
As we approach the holiday season, our hearts are full of gratitude for all that we have. A lovely 6,000 s.f. house with golf course access. A new Hummer for Mimsy so that she'll have enough room to haul her shopping bags. A new green card for Esmeralda, our housekeeper, who is like family to us -- family that lives in a tiny room above the garage, that is. And, above all, a good lawyer and a doctor who writes unlimited prescriptions for Mimsy's "happy pills."
Peace on Earth everyone!
The Biffington Family