A few days ago, I stepped on the scales, for the first time in a couple of weeks.
Yes, that's exactly what I said at that moment.
When did all that happen?
Actually, I know the answer and shouldn't have been too surprised. My weight has been steadily, but insistently creeping up in the past year, and I attribute this to the serious amounts of stress eating I've been doing + the snacking + the general love of eating.
After I got off the scales, I spent several hours sulking and pouting. Then I did some online research and, after further thought, I signed my fat ass and fat thighs and fat everything else up for Weight Watchers. This will be my first-ever foray into dieting and a serious weight-loss program. Not because I haven't needed to, but because I have been in denial for years. I'm overweight and have known it, but have been too lazy to deal with it.
Thus I have entered the world of considering each and every bite of food and drop of liquid that goes into my mouth. It requires a lot of thought and planning, so now I feel like I spend all of my time thinking about food. But it's what I must do in order to succeed.
For now, I'm not going to share any numbers -- not even Pete knows the Ugly Number that has gotten me so upset -- but I promise to lay out the scary honest facts on or around February 14 (appropriate, eh?), which will be my three month mark on what is going to be a long and Twinkie-free journey. And I'm posting this here in a further effort to make sure I stick with this. Because now you all know and can e-yell at me if I happen to mention that I ate an entire tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
By now you have probably already thought to yourself, "Jeezus Jen, what a terrible time of year to start this." I agree. It's not ideal, but I'm a big girl (literally and figuratively) and can deal.
I'm already planning for Thanksgiving -- a day when we'll not only be tempted with an array of amazing foods, but when we will be thusly tempted TWICE. Yes, we have one of THOSE holidays where we eat lunch with one side of my family (my father and his people) and then dinner with the other branch (Mom, a.k.a. "Grandma Ass"). In the next week, I'm going to be researching the fucking points on any possible food that could tempt me on Turkey Day and the relative portion sizes. Then, so help me, I'm going to make a list of what I'll be eating and how much. Really. It's the only way I'll get through the day without eating twice my allotted points -- for the week. In between meals, I'm hoping I'll have time for a walk through my mother's neighborhood and am going to toss my sneakers in the car in anticipation of that.
I went to the grocery store today. Actually, I went to THREE stores in NINETY minutes. Yes, I was speed walking up and down the aisles. How else to ignore all the wonderful holiday foods that the stores have displayed so well for me to see? Instead, I spent a lot of time in the produce section stocking up on lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, and all those other healthy foods that will be making up more of my diet in the coming weeks and months. I did not bring home a single treat or anything that could be described as junk food.
So here it is folks. My time of reckoning. There are going to be days when I'm grumpy as hell because I want to dive face-first into a five pound bag of M&Ms and I can't.
It's going to be an interesting journey.