Self, the week before Thanksgiving is a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad time to go to Whole Foods. Therefore, Self, you should not drop your daughter off at art class and think to yourself, "I think I'll pop over to Whole Foods and pick up a few things."
Self, if you do decide to go to Whole Foods the week before Thanksgiving, you will encounter such a seething mass of humanity that the store will resemble this:
Hell, as seen in "The Garden of Earthly Delights"
by Heironymus Bosch
by Heironymus Bosch
Self, if you persist in this lunacy, you will be forced to deal with an amazing array of dipshits, assholes, dumb asses, and fucktards and this will piss you off mightily. So I ask you Self: Why put yourself through this? Why?
Self, if you go to Whole Foods on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving AND do so at 3:30 in the afternoon, when the schools have let out, you will encounter mothers who do not discipline their children and the hellions who share the same DNA. You will be rudely jostled and shoved by those Catholic school shits, as well as by some public school shits. Apparently unruly children -- children whose parents should be teaching them how to behave in public -- are nondenominational.
Self, if you go to Whole Foods during Thanksgiving week, you will be forced to navigate around the slow assholes who talk on their phone while shopping. You may be forced to hear things you don't like, including a young bleached-blonde woman arguing madly with her errant boyfriend, who may wish to guard his, ahem, manhood for a while because I have seen that women's highly-manicured hot pink nails and they should be registered as weapons.
Self, we had this conversation last year and apparently you did not listen. DO NOT go to Whole Foods the week before Thanksgiving. In fact, go write that on your 2008 calendar right now. Go on. Go. I'll wait here.
Something tells me we'll be talking again.