Monday, July 09, 2007

Signs I need to get a grip

As I mentioned yesterday, Graceful and Elegant are off having an amazing week with my sister and her husband.

That leaves Pete and me here, in a house with no children.

What's a married couple to do with all those empty rooms and no children around?

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
And the thought of lovin' you is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Is that what you were thinking? Well, guess again.

Guess whose husband has a job and an incredibly busy week ahead of him -- so busy, in fact that I won't be seeing too much of him...

I just love the timing.

Oh well, if you read yesterday's blog entry, you might remember that I mentioned a shopping trip to IKEA!

Some important lessons learned from yesterday's shopping excursion:

1. Never go to IKEA! alone. Take a buddy. Preferably a 6' 2" bodybuilder or someone equally strong. I ended up loading over 600 combined pounds of furniture and other Swedish crap into my minivan alone. I bought a bookshelf, a loft, two desk chairs, and an armoire -- just to mention the big heavy stuff.

2. If you don't do #1, at least be smart enough to pull up to the loading area and ask for help. You know, the paid employees who are there to do your bidding. I didn't ask for help, partly because I'm stupid and largely because I'm stubborn and hard-headed and just plain ornery.

3. If you are stupid enough to go to IKEA! alone and you're also such a dumb ass that you don't ask for help, at least be smart enough to back into the parking space. After I wrestled my FIRST cartload of 300+ pounds of stuff all the way to the ass-end of the parking lot, I had to pull the van out and then back it in. You see, this was one of those fancy parking lots. The kind with sidewalks that extend way out from the building and you then use those sidewalks to saunter happily right from your car and straight into the building. An hour later -- when you're struggling with a cart that won't heel and it's 93 fucking degrees outside AND there's a slight slope to that sidewalk so you risk hitting a $40K SUV with the cart and its 300 pounds of cargo -- you'll want to be able to roll that cart right up to the back of your van so that you have less distance to cover when you're using physics and gravity and pure cussedness to move heavy boxes of furniture parts into the vehicle.

4. If you didn't learn from #3, you'll be doing it again when you take the second cartload of crap out to the car. Really, why are you such a fucktard that you didn't learn the first time?

5. If you just really screwed up all of the above, at least try to do something nice for yourself, such as go back into IKEA! and have a bite to eat in order to elevate your plummeting blood sugar levels and cool your body temperature back down to the 98 degree range. I recommend the open face shrimp and egg sandwich, a large soda, and apple cake for dessert.

So now there are all sorts of boxes stacked around the house and I'll be assembling furniture all week.

But at least the house is air conditioned and I have a ready supply of chocolate on hand.

I'll post photos later this week when I'm done.

Oh, and I'll be watching some chick flicks in my spare time.


Marijean said...

Oh, wow. I've never even been to an IKEA! but I'd love to go. Despite the furniture assembly,and the MIA husband, I think you're going to have fun this week.

kristi said...

work and fun all in one!!

Lori Anderson Designs said...

I've also learned -- remember the size of the car and the people that have to fit into it when going and buying things. I think Ryan has permanent curvature of the spine from having to contort for over an hour around a table several years ago!