Friday, March 09, 2007

The one in which the police are called, plus we get a new Babe...

The band practiced really long and loud last night in my garage. Damn, we sound good. The summer tour is going to be freakin' awesome.

Unfortunately, the neighbors got upset -- it was 1 a.m. after all -- and called the police.

Luckily, the officers who came are HUGE fans of Womanstock and the Bail Babes and were in awe of our greatness, so they told our neighbors to stuff it and then stayed to listen to some tunes. Officer Shiflett even had a particularly helpful tip regarding the harmony in our version of Springsteen's song "Pink Cadillac" for which we are very grateful. And then Officer Wayne Bubba showed the Bail Babes a a groovy dance move that the Babes worked into their routine for "Can't Stand Losing You" (the Police).

I also made sure to practice an extra long drum solo just for the neighbors' benefit at about 2 a.m and Melissa worked on her Jimi Hendrix guitar solo. I'm sure the neighbors appreciated it.

Negotiations continue with Madison Square Garden. Che's handling all that, since in real life this is something she has a lot of experience with. Really, I'm not making this up. Che is so tied into the music industry that she's actually met some Big Names. Plus she knows people who know even Bigger Names. We're letting her handle all that buisness stuff, since she knows when to push, when to walk away, and when to cuss up a storm. Che explained the negotiations to me, but all I heard was "the guarantee wasn't big enough, blah blah blah, not enough back end, more blah blah" and then my brain shut down and didn't hear any more.

I did hear that Che's pretty sure we can get our Swedish massuers, with names like Rolf and Lars. Che's also pretty sure we're getting the mobile Starbucks unit, as well as a gourmet chocolate table. Crazy Aunt Laura doesn't eat chocolate, so we're actively seeking gourmet treats for her.

Meanwhile, Nick, our erstwhile keyboardist, is demanding babes (not the Bail Babes) and booze. He wants Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue women and name brand alcohols. I suspect we're going to have to boot his ass out of the band and find a real woman. It will be hard losing him, however, as he always has the best eye liner and hair care products.

Some good news: We've been invited to play at Bonnaroo ( June 14-17. Well, of course we were invited. We are that great. Besides, if they invited those has-beens, The Police, they had better have done even better by us.

Ziggy Marley is going to sing with Melissa, so she's all jazzed about that. They're singing "Someone Put the Bong Away" and "One Love." Melissa can't decide if she should wear the electric blue satin gown and Manolo Blahniks or perhaps go casual and wear ripped jeans and Chuck Taylor low-tops. She's going to look just great on stage with her hair all teased out like Dusty Springfield. (We'd better order more hairspray...)

We've extended an invitation to New Aunt Cathy to join the Bail Babes and she's in. She'd like to be called Jungle Woman, henceforth shortened to JW. JW explained to her husband Bruce that he had to quit his day job to be a roadie and help schlep our stuff, but he somehow either misunderstood the assignment or has promoted himself, because he'd now like to be our road manager. I think he's probably qualified for that sort of thing. Matthew McConnaughy and Johnny Depp. The woman's got a discerning eye and I think she'll work out just fine.

Crazy Aunt Laura has called dibs on Bond-era Sean Connery and wants him to talk dirty to her in his Scottish brogue. I'm fine with it as long as she doesn't slack on her practicing. Motown Moves are no good at all unless they're performed with groove and a little precision.

CAL also wants the 1960s era Beatles as groupies and music consultants. We've agreed that's probably a good idea as long as John doesn't bring Yoko, as we don't want her to break up another band. Oh wait, this is all fantasy, so I just decided that John and Yoko broke up a long time ago and Yoko is now shacking up with Jack Nicholson. Should make for some interesting tabloid fodder.

So that's a report on the band's doings for the past 24 hours. More coming soon...

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