Friday, January 26, 2007

Mysteries of the Universe

Things I wish I knew:

Why do drivers with large SUVs feel the need to back into parking spaces, thus tying up traffic going in both directions down the row? It takes more effort and time to back into a space correctly than it does to just pull in normally and then back out normally. And of course these drivers are the ones who are incapable of just backing in. It takes seven attempts to back in a bit, pull forward a bit, back in a bit more, pull forward to straighten up, etc. In the meantime, lines of cars are sitting there, stalled, and (in my case) the drivers are quietly using language that would burn the ears of a Marine. Really people, if you're driving a Suburban or an Expedition and cannot manage to back out of a parking space, just use the powers of your automotive behemoth and just drive over the little Japanese car in front of you.


Why does Elegant wake up in the night, calmly walk across the hall, and calmly announce that she has had a nightmare and needs to be escorted back to bed and tucked in? The same bed that she just left 30 seconds before. And why does she always come to MY side of the bed, which is the furthest from the door? And how does my husband manage to sleep soundly through all this?


Why are men incapable of noticing scum in a toilet or toothpaste flecks on a mirror and thus correctly surmising that the bathroom needs cleaning? And why, when the topic comes up, do men say they'd be happy to HELP with the cleaning? Are you not in a domestic partnership? Is it not equally your job as much as the other person's?


When my mother-in-law does something that offends me -- and something that she knows offends me -- why do I feel so compelled to retaliate in some way? Why can't I just drop it? Her son chose me. Me. I am the most important woman in his life. Going on 20 years now. Yet I must still assert my supremacy in ways that are sometimes so subtle that my MIL doesn't even notice. Why do I allow myself to be baited?


And why are some people the Kryptonite to my Super Jen-ness? I am intelligent, witty, and funny. I am well educated and well read. I have an interesting job and interact with interesting people. Yet around some people -- and these are people I'm related to, so I can't just drop them -- I am so much less myself. I became awkward, gawky, dull, tongue-tied. It's like I'm 14 all over again.


Why do some people treat others, particularly people in sales or service jobs, as if they were inferior? Why do some people feel compelled to talk down to waitresses or cleaning people? Why do some people bitch at store clerks and cashiers?


Why are children so fascinated with their own snot and boogers? And why are butts and the word "butt" itself so funny to children?


Why do people, when offering up a casual greeting such as "Hi. How are you?" when they really are not interested in the second part? Why not just say "Hi" and be done with it? If I pass you while we're walking laps through the neighborhood, don't add the "How are you?" part because one day I might just take you literally and tell you exactly how I am.


Why did a complete stranger once pass by me in a public bathroom, walk several feet, stop, turn around, and come back to tell me "Jesus loves you."? There were other people present. Why only me? Did I look like I was having that bad a day? What would she have done if I had responded with "Well Satan loves you."?


Why are Thanksgiving and Christmas leftovers that good? Other leftovers can't even compete. I know someone who actually cooks an entire Thanksgiving dinner, puts it in the fridge, and then goes out to eat her holiday meal. She does it just for the leftovers. What makes them so damn special?


What is it about the Stars Wars movies that is so compelling to some people?


Why is Paris Hilton famous?


So many things I just don't know and probably never will.





1 comment:

kristi said...

HAHa! You crack me up. I have had many of these same questions!